I hold grudges. I always have I always will. I don't believe in forgiveness without atonement. I can't forgive someone without at least an effort on their part on to replace what they took or destroyed. I will never forgive my father for what he did to my mother and for what I suspect he did to my sister. I could watch the man die an excruciatingly slow torturous death and feel nothing. Perhaps some pleasure.
My point is, I don't easily let things go. I now turn my wrath inward. I am angry and resentful of myself for the choices I have made and the repercussions that those choices have created. I chose to go to law school because my ego could not bear the thought of simply being a teacher. I needed a flashy, sexy, impressive career that would come with money and power. I poo-pooed a career in education and set my sights "higher". In doing so I've sunk myself into a lifetime of debt, and what's worse, I've forever robbed myself of precious, irreplaceable time with my son. I will miss his first steps, his first real words, his laughs, his love. When I come home from class he doesn't want me to hold him, he doesn't want to play, he doesn't look at me. And it's my fault. I can never replace this time. I can never undo what I have done. I can never atone. If someone else did this to me I would hate them forever. Why should I be any different?
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