My forever grudge

I hold grudges. I always have I always will. I don't believe in forgiveness without atonement. I can't forgive someone without at least an effort on their part on to replace what they took or destroyed. I will never forgive my father for what he did to my mother and for what I suspect he did to my sister. I could watch the man die an excruciatingly slow torturous death and feel nothing. Perhaps some pleasure.
My point is, I don't easily let things go. I now turn my wrath inward. I am angry and resentful of myself for the choices I have made and the repercussions that those choices have created. I chose to go to law school because my ego could not bear the thought of simply being a teacher. I needed a flashy, sexy, impressive career that would come with money and power. I poo-pooed a career in education and set my sights "higher". In doing so I've sunk myself into a lifetime of debt, and what's worse, I've forever robbed myself of precious, irreplaceable time with my son. I will miss his first steps, his first real words, his laughs, his love. When I come home from class he doesn't want me to hold him, he doesn't want to play, he doesn't look at me. And it's my fault. I can never replace this time. I can never undo what I have done. I can never atone. If someone else did this to me I would hate them forever. Why should I be any different?

First Post- I've given in to the dark side

I don't know what I think about blogging. A huge part of me thinks that the whole practice is wildly narcissistic. How self consumed does someone have to be to truly believe that millions of strangers actually care and take the time to read about their ramblings? I'm not that pretentious by any means. If anything I'm on the self-deprocating end of the spectrum. As of late though I've been keeping a hand written journal and figured that a blog can provide the same catharsis without the hand cramps and the hand writing of a pit bull writing lefty.
Over the past year I've become a twitter/blogger widow. My husband has become more interested in the lives of complete strangers than in mine. Perhaps if I become a nameless, faceless internet entity he will come to know what goes on in my head. Perhaps the blog will help me to articulate my thoughts in a way that he will understand and appreciate. So I've come to the dark side looking for that proverbial outlet and maybe to build a marriage lost to cyberspace. Like I said, I do this for me. If people out there read it, cool. If anyone out there is entertained, amused, or just slightly intrigued, even better. It's late now and I think I'll call it a night. The cat is giving me a dirty look and I just don't think I can wait for the husband to finish working. More about what I do and my efforts to have it all and be all things to all people next time. Good night world.