Family

Today I went with Matt and Ferris to Matt's uncle's 50th birthday party. My husband's family is huge. He's got a ton of cousins. He's the oldest of thirteen first cousins ranging from ages 33-13. It was a hot day and the enormous crowd of family, friends and people I didn't even know made it even hotter. Oddly though there was no tension, no weirdness, no back-stabbing or bickering. I'm sure these things go on; like they do in all families, but it's not the over-arching theme as it is in mine. A great time was had by all. Well, except for Matt, who felt the early twinges of a migraine coming on. Like distant horse hoofs plodding up a cobblestone lane. Mind you, many people miss use the word "migraine" to mean "really bad headache." No, Matt's are the real deal. The last time he had one of these monsters he was admitted into the hospital because he exhibited stroke-like symptoms. You know it's bad when the ER wait is only two minutes. When triage puts you to the front of the line, you know you're in trouble.

Anyway, my poor husband is lying motionless on the couch in complete darkness. I can't get him up to the bed. All for the best probably because our son had staked his claim to our bed. I put him down in his bed after a nice bath and several Curious George stories, only to hear the patter of a little escapee scooting down the hall and into our room as soon as I got downstairs. Nothing but a king bed for our little prince.

So now I'm debating about what to do tomorrow. I really don't know if Matt will make it to work. So should I stay home with him? I think I might.

Work will survive.

Family first.

Damn it Feels good to be a Housewife

Today has really been a great "feel-good-about-me" kind of a day. It's almost 12:30 and to be honest I feel like I've been pretty productive. So far, I've taken Ferris to the Lake and we (I) roller bladed 2.6 miles. I know 2.5 isn't much considering our friend Gary P. just did the friggin' IRON MAN (mad props to Gary P.). But for me 2.5 is plenty. Ferris took in the sights as we zipped along. He saw geese, a police car, a trash truck, various ramps and a bunch of arrows. He even talked me into skating with the jogging stroller "up ramp." Thighs are burning.
Next, we came home, I laid the reluctant boy down for a nap and began cleaning the downstairs laundry/bath room. After that, I did a couple loads of laundry, did my kettle bell work out and took a shower. I am now rewarding myself with a home pedicure to prepare for the Law/Art Professionals Happy Hour this evening. I even carried a massaging foot tub full of water from the kitchen to the living room Golden Child- style (for those of you born post 1980, that means I didn't spill a drop.)
The cynical me is weary about bragging or even mentioning a good day. I always feel like I need to keep it to myself or at least throw in a caveat or two to avoid the inevitable jinx. Today is different though. I was reminded yesterday by my cousin's adoption adventure blog about how God really does pull things together in time. I'm not getting all preachy or anything, but sometimes things really do work out and that in and of itself is miraculous. Maybe this time home with Ferris has softened me a bit, or maybe it's just the post-bar exam euphoria.
25 days until I start the new job.

On Becoming a Lawyer.

So I'm 2 weeks away from taking the MD bar exam. I feel certain that I will fail, but oddly feel much better knowing that most everyone feels this way. Is that evil, to be happy at the consuming self-doubt of others? Maybe. I'm just glad to know that there aren't people running around out there who are disgustingly confident. M-Fer's if they are.
I don't feel prepared, but am coming down to the point where I just want it over with. I will have conquered the beast one way or another once they announce "pencils down." It will be over. I won't think of it again until November, when the scores come out. Like I said, I'm fully expecting to fail, but still here I am plugging away. It seems a hopeless cause, but still I forge on. One might think that this perseverance in the face of great adversity is most impressive and admirable. Maybe it is, but through all of this effort, I feel like I've alienated Matt. He doesn't get me, and worse yet, doesn't seem to want to.
He loves what he loves and loves what he does. His job is his hobby and all roads lead there. He's attracted to conversations about advertising trends and who is mayor of what on foursquare. I play along because it's fun, but it's not my life.
When we first met, I was a quirky creative girl who majored in film, updated my web page constantly (in old school HTML I might add) and dyed my hair on any whim. I was weird and wild and just his type. Now, I'm knee deep in Con Law, Torts, Con Crim Pro, Biz Orgs, MBE prep... blah blah blah. I don't even recognize me.

Does he?

It's Hot.

It's hot out today. I mean, like gross heavy, you immediately feel stinky kind of hot. I wish we had a pool. The garden hose and Koi pond are looking pretty good about now. I don't know why I am blogging about the weather. There's not much else going on. Ferris just bonked his nog on the table. He fake-cried for about 1 second. Now he's showing me something yellow and calling me Daddy.

I like days like today.

I like days like today. I don't normally like any day when I drop a ball. I normally try to handle everything and feel inadequate when not everything gets done. Today however, I was really ok with my choice. Sometimes it's ok to really evaluate "is this important today?" "Really?" Sometimes it's ok to say, "No. It's really not."
I'm actually more proud of myself on days like today than on days that I do it all. I did more today, I prioritized. Properly.

That being said, I still got an s-ton accomplished. I hung out with Ferris, got a form notarized, made Ferris dinner, packet his bag to hang out with Pop-Pop, met the gang at Ryan's daughter, took the bus to the game, enjoyed 8.5 innings, caught the light rail to class, made it to class with 5 minutes to spare.
It was a good day.

My extraordinary- ordinary day. Follow the dots

I began my day at 6:45 in Lauraville.
7:20-7:45- Drove to Federal Hill for work.
7:45- Got to work.
7:50-9:30- Attempted to teach Adobe After Effects to unwilling adolescents.
9:37-10:00- Drove to Towson University.
10:00-10:10- Drove around campus looking for parking. Remembered why I don't miss TU.
10:12-10:32- Waited for a very helpful, yet slow lady at the registrar's office to complete certification form for bar application.
10:33-10:59- Raced back to work. (planning period ends at 11:00)
11:00-11:40- Attempted to teach Adobe Flash to unwilling/incapable adolescents.
11:40-12:10- Lunch. Didn't eat. Had tea while dramatic students discussed their love life with me. Took a practice MBE while pretending to listen.
12:15-1:20- Continued Adobe Flash with the unwilling/incapable adolescents.
1:25-2:50- Attempted to teach Adobe After Effects to lazy adolescents.
2:55-3:32- Drove to Hamilton to pick up baby from Mother-In-Law.
4:00- Arrived home.
4:30- Realized that we were out of dog insulin.
4:33-5:32- Drove in gridlock with baby to vet, back in Federal Hill.
5:35-6:10- Drove home.
6:11-6:50- Cleaned up the remnants of diaper bag contents left by dog. Fed Dogs. Injected old sick dog with requisite insulin. Changed baby's diaper. Fed cats. Made wholesome fish stick and corn dinner for baby. Gave baby Mandarin oranges for wholesome dessert. Let dogs outside. Wash baby's face and hands. Changed baby's clothes. Let dogs in. Packed diaper bag. Loaned neighbor a tub of butter. Put good dog in crate. Left bad sick dog to roam house.
6:51-7:00- Drove baby to In Law's.
7:08- 7:30- Drove to Mt. Vernon for Family Law class.
8:39- Sitting in Family Law class. Blogging about day.

For those who followed the Indiana-Jonesesque red line on the map...
Lauraville to Federal Hill
Federal Hill to Towson
Towson to Federal Hill
Federal Hill to Hamilton
Hamilton to Lauraville
Lauraville to Federal Hill
Federal Hill to Lauraville
Lauraville to Hamilton
Hamilton to Mt. Vernon

My forever grudge

I hold grudges. I always have I always will. I don't believe in forgiveness without atonement. I can't forgive someone without at least an effort on their part on to replace what they took or destroyed. I will never forgive my father for what he did to my mother and for what I suspect he did to my sister. I could watch the man die an excruciatingly slow torturous death and feel nothing. Perhaps some pleasure.
My point is, I don't easily let things go. I now turn my wrath inward. I am angry and resentful of myself for the choices I have made and the repercussions that those choices have created. I chose to go to law school because my ego could not bear the thought of simply being a teacher. I needed a flashy, sexy, impressive career that would come with money and power. I poo-pooed a career in education and set my sights "higher". In doing so I've sunk myself into a lifetime of debt, and what's worse, I've forever robbed myself of precious, irreplaceable time with my son. I will miss his first steps, his first real words, his laughs, his love. When I come home from class he doesn't want me to hold him, he doesn't want to play, he doesn't look at me. And it's my fault. I can never replace this time. I can never undo what I have done. I can never atone. If someone else did this to me I would hate them forever. Why should I be any different?